This Time I Will Praise the Lord

She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “This time I will praise the Lord.” So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children.

Genesis 29:35 NIV

Numb. That’s how I felt. Or maybe it’s how I wanted to feel. As I watched the December snow fall, what should have been a beautiful scene became another (literal) roadblock in my journey to become what I wanted most – a mother. I continued to stare as the dusting quickly turned into a full foot, and I heard myself give voice to my thoughts: “I’m done.”

                Over the previous three years, I had gone through countless diets, pills, injections, and procedures, in the hopes of reversing my infertility. It seemed that any success I had was immediately followed by a setback. Two years in, we concluded that IVF, or in vitro fertilization, was my final and only hope. But I had to wait 3 months for the new state-of-the-art lab to be built. We finally reached egg retrieval, only for me to develop a debilitating condition, forcing us to wait for my body to recover before attempting an embryo transfer. Six months later, we transferred an embryo, and I lost it. And now, we were going to try one last time. My mom was supposed to fly in the next day to ride the 928 miles with me to my doctor’s office because my husband couldn’t take any more time from work. And I was looking at a foot of snow on the ground. How could my mom possibly fly in?

                At this point I found myself feeling a little like Leah. If you’re unfamiliar, Leah was the wife that Jacob never wanted. When he was forced to flee from his brother Esau, Jacob found Rachel, younger daughter of Laban and younger sister to Leah. According to Genesis 29:17-18, “Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful. Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, ‘I’ll work for [Laban] seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.’” (NIV) However, after serving his seven years, Jacob was tricked by Laban. When he awoke the morning after his wedding, he was very surprised to discover Leah was the one with whom he had slept. When Jacob confronted Laban, he was told their custom dictated the older daughter must marry first; however, if Jacob would finish out Leah’s wedding week, he would also be given Rachel - for the fair price of another seven years’ labor. Jacob’s love for Rachel won out in the end, and he received his long sought-after bride. So “Jacob made love to Rachel also, and his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah” (Genesis 29:30, NIV)

I don’t know about you, but at this point, I’m feeling pretty sorry for Leah. She didn’t ask for any of this. Some assume that since Leah was always described in contrast to her beautiful sister, Rachel, she likely didn’t have many prospects for marriage. This could have been one of the fueling factors for Laban’s deception. And whether Leah was a willing participant in the old switcheroo, or just being an obedient daughter, she does long for her husband’s affection. But no matter what Leah did, Jacob loved Rachel more.

There is some redemption for Leah, however. We are told that the Lord took pity on Leah and her circumstance. As a result, He enabled her to conceive while Rachel’s womb remained closed. And not only did Leah conceive first, she did so seven times before Rachel even conceived once! At the birth of Leah’s third son, Levi, she became convinced that this was it; now her husband would finally love her. She had given Jacob three sons after all, thus securing his bloodline. But the thing is, we aren’t told here that Jacob changes his tune concerning Leah. In fact, we aren’t told anything at all. The author goes directly from describing Leah’s third birth to her fourth. The only indication of a change is Leah’s statement upon giving birth to her son Judah. Rather than expressing hope that this child will change her circumstances, it appears Leah has decided to look at her life through a different lens. She has realized that there is not point in her trying to control or change her situation. “This time,” Leah says, “I will praise the Lord.”

Like Leah, I too wanted to change my circumstances. I thought if I could just feel the love of my own child in my arms, I would be complete. But I had forgotten only one person can fill the void I had let my circumstance create within me. If I had just taken the time to read about Leah and how no amount of children changed the hurt inside, maybe I could have accepted that God was with me and working it all out for my good, even when I didn’t see the fruit of it. While I had prayed and asked for God’s guidance in my infertility journey, I realized I had never actually laid it down at the feet of Jesus. Just like Leah, this time I needed to choose to praise Him from where I was, regardless the outcome.               

So, after saying, “I’m done,” I felt myself also adding, “Lord, if this is not in your good and perfect will, don’t let my mom come tomorrow. I am going to let go and put this completely in your hands. This time I will praise you.” And while we don’t always get what we want or think is best, and I was finally prepared to accept that, God chose to bless me greatly. My mom’s plane was the only one that landed at the airport the next day! We drove safely across four states, my doctor successfully transferred two embryos, and thirty-seven weeks later I was blessed with two healthy babies.

                What problem or situation do you need to let go of today, friend? Regardless of the answer, won’t you lay it down and say with confidence, “This time, Lord, I will praise you” ? Will you use the prayer below to invite God into your circumstance and let Him use it for your good?

Heavenly Father,

Today, I come to you with what feels like an impossible situation. Lord, I have been doing everything in my power to fix it, and now I realize that is my very problem. I have tried to control this situation and follow my own way, but only your Way and your Will is perfect. This time, I choose to lay this battle down at the feet of my Savior. This time, Lord, I will praise you. Regardless of the outcome, despite my desire to be the one in control, I want to let you be the good, good Father you are. Let your Will be done.

In Jesus’s Name, Amen