Arguing Well
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. - Romans 14:19
We have officially made it to my favorite part of the year - fall! I realize that lumps me with a large majority who love the changing leaves and all things pumpkin flavored, but for me, my love of autumn is almost completely because of the reprieve from hot summer days. (The other small percentage is because of my October birthday.) When I finally reach that miraculous morning in September when the air has a slight chill accompanied by a steady breeze and clear blue sky, I become almost giddy. I immediately open all the windows to give the house a good airing out and spend many hours either on our deck or swaying on the bench swing my husband built while my children play in the backyard.
Fall also means the reinstatement of our evening family walks. After dinner, we all don our tennis shoes and favorite sweatshirts and step outside to drink in the final drops of the beautiful day. Last week, as we were on one of these walks, my son and daughter got into an argument. Arguing has been a common occurrence between the twins since they turned three in August, and as a result has been a common topic for us to discuss when we talk about manners and how we should treat each other. I always try to emphasize that arguing in and of itself isn't bad - we're all going to meet people we disagree with from time to time. The important thing, though, is to argue well; you should be able to articulate how you feel without yelling and you should also take the time to be quiet and listen to the person you are arguing with. The end goal is to come to an understanding, but you might still not agree.
On this day in particular, the twins were arguing over what to call the side of the road where we instruct them to walk. My husband and I are sticklers about reminding our kids to follow the rules of the road and strongly enforce that they always walk on the left side of the road so they can see oncoming traffic, and at the same time, oncoming traffic has a better chance of seeing them. Our neighborhood doesn't have sidewalks, but the road is extra wide to make up for it. Running along both sides of the asphalt is some aggregate that was poured at an angle so that water would run along it to the rain drains. This run of aggregate is where we instruct our twins to stay whenever we are out walking.
Now, I should start by saying I have no clue what the proper name of this aggregate construction is. A ditch? A curb? I feel like it looks like a combination of the two. Regardless, since I don't know the exact name of it, I have always instructed the twins to walk on the brown part of the road, and to not stray onto the black asphalt. A couple of minutes into this particular walk, the kids began going back and forth over what they thought this part of the road should be called.
"It's the sidewalk!" Henry exclaimed. "We're always supposed to stay on the sidewalk!" Fair point; I know this is the rule he has to follow at school.
"No, it’s just part the road," Charlotte countered. "Sidewalks are bigger." Also a fair point.
They continued back and forth in this way for a few minutes. Because they weren't being too emotional in their arguing, my husband and I stayed out of it. We wanted to give them the space to see if they could work this out.
The next night at our Wednesday evening Bible study, we were discussing the latter half of Romans. Funnily enough, we spent most of our time on Chapter 14 where Paul is addressing an argument. The two sides are thus: converted Jews who have never before eaten "unclean" food and weren't planning to start now, and Gentile believers who had always eaten the "unclean" food, and had no problem in continuing to eat it. Just like the disagreement between my twins, each side has a fair and understandable argument; but the bigger issue was that both sides were digging in their heels to the point that this dispute was causing separation within the church.
Paul responds to the dispute in verse three, "The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them." Paul calls this topic of clean vs. unclean food a disputable matter. Disputable matters are "issues on which the Bible does not give a clear directive. We’re not talking about lying, stealing, or adultery—on which God’s Word is abundantly clear. We’re talking about matters of conscience in which God has given us freedom" (C. Smith, Open the Bible).
In other words, disputable matters are those situations where we exercise our free will and can choose to do what we are most comfortable with, as long as this choice doesn't cause us to stray towards sin. Paul states that while the act of eating what had been traditionally considered unclean was no longer a sin, the Gentiles, who he calls "the strong," should not cause the Jews, or "the weak," to stumble regarding this matter. Paul was "convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean. If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died" (Romans 14:14-15). In the big picture of salvation, clean versus unclean did not play an integral part. Once again, Paul points to the most important command Jesus left us with: to love one another.
Some modern day disputable matters include dancing, drinking alcohol, and body piercings. While there is Biblical commentary to be found on some these topics, none of them are listed as being significant enough to keep one from the gift of salvation. Yet, so many Christians have spent too much time over the years judging and shaming people who have been connected with these actions. Why do we do that? Paul was frustrated too, saying, "You then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat…Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister" (Romans 14:10, 13).
Back on our neighborhood walk, it was becoming increasingly obvious that neither of my children was willing to defer to the other. I was just about to call an end to the argument when my daughter said, "Well, Henry can think it's the sidewalk, and I can think it's the road. That's okay." My husband and I exchanged surprised faces. Our daughter had found a reasonable understanding to end the argument, and all on her own! It was okay for Henry to have his opinion, and for Charlotte to have hers, but at the end of the day, they would not change the outcome of our walk.
In the same way, Paul was looking for the strong to realize that their actions could negatively impact the weak. So, as the strong, they should make an effort not to judge the weak, but instead make a loving gesture. When in the company of the converted Jews, they could simply choose not to eat what their brothers and sisters considered unclean. A small sacrifice to make for harmony within the church.
Do you find yourself in the midst of a disputable matter with a fellow believer? How can you choose today to take the steps of a strong one? How can you choose to see past the dispute and instead remember Jesus's command to love one another? Today, let's choose to focus on what brings us together more than what drives us apart.
